For the last two or three days, I have been free-falling into fear.  This always happens……at the very same time I feel consumed with passion for something.  It can make me want to avoid feeling passionate altogether.

This also seems to happen after I have shared it/my passion/my idea with people I admire most, because it  makes everything more real.   Right after the rush of expressing it—-and seeing others catch the spark—and when excitement turns into momentum and meetings and trips to take this to the “next level”—-then, Holy Moses, some kind of huge door slams—it sort of sounds like the slamming of a bank vault.  I feel like I might have just stun-gunned myself.

“WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? ” and “YOU AND YOUR BIG IDEAS!” come crashing down inside and all around me like time released pictures of office buildings being demolished.   Time for a good scream of consciousness.  Time to push through what feels like a big, fat, gloppy clog in my drain. No more nasty, sarcastic voices.

That’s what this blog is all about.  Hearing what’s true.  What do we want to say “NO MORE!  NOT, EVER AGAIN” or….. “YES, ABSOLUTELY, MORE…..AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!”

When I get in one of these funky swirls, I ask myself one question.  “What is one truth I can hang my hat on right now?”   That one little tool,  calms me right down.  Try it sometime. It works wonders.  From one simple truth, you can add another and another until you have climbed out of the big black bucket of fear and despair.

So, what I know, for sure, is the best way to heal a self-sabotaging pattern is to reveal it.  Hang in there with me…. we are headed out into the deep end on my little boat made of popsicle sticks and contruction paper.

I am in the midst of a huge idea.  Something that is very near and dear and clear in my heart.  It has been there for several years.  But only when I met other women who I could see being part of the idea, was I willing to share it.  It is something that would energize and galvanize women around the world.  Education. Inspiration. Opportunity. Community. Really. No kidding.

More than an idea, it feels like a surge.  Electrified and Powerful.   The words to describe it roll out of me with total clarity.  From the depths of my heart to the top of my brain to the tip of my tongue in a nano-second.  I am not actually even aware of  thinking about what I am saying.  It just rushes forth, without me.

All my life, ideas have come to me—most of them arrive in complete packages with a “to do” list.  People have often asked me, “Where in the world do you come up with this stuff?” I have no idea.  When blue eyes and big ideas were being dispensed, I must have been in line.   If you ever went to a drive-in movie as a kid you probably remember how huge the screen was.  Welcome to the inside of my head. 

Many of my ideas have actually materialized.  They became a company that made a billion or two.  They became books and renovated houses, published articles, events with dancing bears and clowns, television appearances, trips to The White House,  a life-time laundry list of  WHO-DA THUNK IT’s.  Those were all “head” ideas. The resume boosters. 

But, here’s the kicker…..

It’s the HEART ideas that flip me upside down.  One way I have always known that something is coming from the deepest place in me is by how much fear comes right in behind it.  They seem to have been velcroed together.  Along with the fear comes  cranky iritability toward myself and everyone else.  That’s how my fear shows up.  Then other stupid stuff starts to happen.  My cell phone goes dead.  People put me on hold, then go off to lunch.  My computer starts booping and binging.  I go to yoga and forget my money.  Drivers are fliping me off.  Could it be that I am on a one way street going in the opposite direction?  I become a flummoxing amoeba.

Perfectionsim rears its head too.  The flowers are dead.  The car is dirty.  My slip is showing.  Little green things are stuck in my teeth while I am talking with total strangers. (I think they might be staring at me in fascniation until I get a gander at myself in the mirror with strings of spinach and bits of parsley stuck in at least ten teeth.) The grout is looking a little grimy, too. My neck is sagging.  My nails are snagging. 

Victim also puts in an appearance.  Where did all those lines around my mouth come from?  I never even smoked and they are there, making me look like an old prune.  Not fair!  We’ve worked so hard only to see our 401K become a 201K.  Not fair!  The sugar cravings are incessant.  The rolls around my middle cannot be contained even with industrial strength underwear.  Weepy and creepy.  I am navigating my internal highway with a ham sandwich and a map to “You-Can’t-Really-Cut It-Ville”.

The forces of NO WAY! are battling with the desire of YES, WAY!  And, I just can’t stand it any more.  This is the time, right here and now, to get out of my own way.  Now, that I can see what is happening,I have some choices.

1.  Talk with someone about it—just lay it out there.  That’s what I am doing here.  So, thank you very much for reading and listening.

2. Allow my fear to bubble up—-watch it like I am the witness to an accident.

3.  Don’t try to shove it down or fix it. Recognize that this is a stellar,  internal warning system which is working in my behalf—–trying to tell me something.  When I resist the feeling—-that’s when it shows up as irritability, perfectionism and all the other thorny garbage. 

3.  Bless it.  Yes, bless the fear.  This is something I am still learning to do.  Bless the feeling.  It is there to serve me with a Divine intelligence I could have never crafted for myself.  If this idea is THAT important to me, I need to consider all aspects of the idea/thing/person/circumstance, very carefully.  I need a time out.  FEAR provides me with that time out.  If I try to shove it down then my focus is on trying to control or irradicate the fear.  If you believe that what you focus on—multiplies—-you can see how fast I can get myself in hot water.  I am doomed before I have even DONE ANYTHING!   I am focusing on the fear, the irritations, the nasty voices of doubt in my head.  Instead, I could be focused on giving myself some breathing room or on creating some of the “to-do’s” that would serve this idea to move forward.

This three-step process makes the fear and anxiety vanish. Now, I can use fear to guide me into a time out—-take a moment to absorb  what  I am thinking and proposing.  It does not mean—SCRAP THIS IDEA.  ITS TOO BIG.  YOU”LL NEVER DO IT. 

Actually, fear can be a great side-kick, a vigilant companion, keeping me out of harm’s way.  Fear has my best interests at heart. Take your umbrella.  Don’t step off the curb right now.  Don’t trust this person until you know more. 

 I have just put such a spin on it all these years—-my BELIEF about what fear means, when it comes up—-creates the self-sabotage. The devastating dialog was developed by me.  Just as I have learned to think of fear in this way—I can decide to learn to love the inate purpose it has in my life.

With fear in its place, I can focus on the excitement this idea, in particular—and others, that are also on the burner with it—-are creating.  I can be creative and resourceful again.  I can look into the face of HOW without feeling like this, or anything, is impossible.  Remember, after several centuries of conventional wisdom to the contrary……..some brave soul actually had the idea, one day….that the world was…..ROUND.

So, Who Do You Think You Are?  Said without the sneer of fear—-it is just a great question.