No.

That’s the short but definitive answer. 

Sometimes we get that confused. 

 ”Put the oxygen mask over our own noses first”—every time we fly, we are reminded.  I have never known anyone to argue with THAT concept of taking care of yourself first, so you can be clear headed enough to then focus on and assist the ones you love, next—–but that same theory applied to the rest of our lives—must mean we are selfish, right? 

I am not sure when we got this into our heads, but, as a female,  it seems to be ingrained in our DNA and remains an ongoing internal battle.  Could it be that a lot of the times we find ourselves depressed or depleted or just plain angry is that we have this whole idea…..in reverse order?

For one thing, not loving and caring for ourselves first, is the fastest path to one of the biggest and most insidious, self-destructive traps we can fall into—-also, seemingly unique to women.  Martrydom.  I know you know what I’m talking about.  So, when’s the last time you loved being around a martyr?  All that self-less-ness, all that bending and scraping and flogging in the name of family or friendship—all that heavy sighing, while reporting the latest selfless act—-which, of course, went unnoticed, and totally unappreciated.  Martyrs often play see-saw with victims.

Instead of connecting with others, all this attempt at “love” just drives the ones we claim to love most,  away.  And, isn’t that what “Everyone-but-me- first” is ultimately all about?  Hoping for appreciation?  Hoping that others in your life will see how much you love them?  But, what if, by taking vigilant care of yourself and you own well being, you could embody love?  What if your  love of  your own life showed everyone else the way? 

By the way, I am not talking about self-absorbed, consume-all-the-air-in-the-room, narcisistic love. (we’ll deal with narcisism in future posts)  I am also not leaving God out of the equation.  I have never been one who needs to be politically correct about my love of God……first, first. It is a given….like air. I believe that God has a plan for my life—-and I am honoring God by carrying it out.  Taking care of myself in a way that sets this Divine Plan into motion is the essence of what I am talking about.

So, here’s the deal—I grapple with this whole notion of self-love being selfish too. Intellectually and spiritually, I know what’s right for me—-but emotionally, I deal, every day with this feeling.  We all have to decide what this balance is—what works for us. For me, talking about it  and bringing it to light—-creating a discussion around it—makes me feel less alone and conflicted.  One of the main reasons for writing SCREAMS of CONSCIOUSNESS is to ensure that you won’t feel alone either. We are all grappling with something. 

So, here’s a take-away for today…..if you read no further…this is it.  I am getting my arms around the idea of………

Learning that loving ME, first….does not make YOU, last.  It allows me to create the envelope for all that I hold dear. 

Also, I have found four things to be consistently true while trying to LOVE THE ONE YOU’RE WITH…….

1.  Self-love identifies and honors your needs and energizes you for all the other aspects and responsibiities in life.

2.  Self-love assumes abundance—-it perpetuates abiding faith and authentic confidence—that 99% of the time, there will always be enough of you to go around. (And during those  1% times,  you will love yourself enough to ask for the right kind of support.)

3.  Self-love demonstrates a deep commitment to personal responsibility, consistency and self-reliance. Self-love and self-discipline are velcroed together.

4.  Self-love creates balance and boundaries.

So, does this sound too good to be true? 

For many of us, it is. It’s overwhelming to think of being that self-reliant, self-aware, self-directed, motivated and consistent.   Because it’s hard.  So hard.  To be all that we can be….all the time.  To be our best.  To use our gifts in a way that honors all that we have been given.  To have compassion for our own foibles and humanity.  To be vigilant about what does and does not work for our greatest good and to be courageous in the times when our values are being threatened.

The point is—-if we can’t see it and be it—then we have not developed enough of it to give to anyone else.  It leaves us depleted, depressed and sad and waiting for someone or something to pick up the slack, to be our next “magic bullet”, hoping someone or something will come along to pull our wagon, too. 

LOVE…starts with me……first.