INTRODUCING A NEW, MID-MONTHLY  POST

Many of the most profound learning experiences of my life have been when I was a “fly on the wall”.  It involved being in a group, watching someone who was brave enough to share with all of us, their gnarly or confusing situation.  Through a facilitator or through exercises which we all participated in, amazing things happened.  Not only did that person get the benefit of many different points of view—-we all were able to learn from these perspectives, taking them home to enhance our lives.

So, here goes.  I HEAR YOU is the beginning of that same kind of dynamic.  As a life-long learner, entrepreneur, minister, observer, mistake maker, re-inventor, creative catalyst, get realist, pragmatist, wife, friend, stepmother, and compassionate confidante, I offer my facilitator hat. 

WE CAN FEEL SO ALONE AT TIMES

Sometimes when we are wrestling with an issue we can feel very much alone.  I HEAR YOU is to let you know that you are not alone.  This question comes from someone, who requested to remain anonymous, but was more than willing to share her experience for the benefit of everyone.   Your own circumstances may contain differing facts,  but there is a good chance that there might still be some golden Ah-Ha’s waiting for you in the wings.  About marriage, about the dynamics between men and women, about keeping secrets, about denial, about processing news that feels overwhelming……you’ll see…..read on…….

Q:  MY HUSAND WAS RECENTLY DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER.  HE HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE IT.  I AM SCARED AND FURIOUS…..about the news, but especially with him for being in denial.   WHAT DO I DO?

A: First, I am so sorry to hear this.  My heart goes out to you.  But, also, good for you—-you are all ready doing something—-because you have owned your own feelings of being scared……and angry.  Something tells me your husband is feeling exactly the same way.  It’s just that men and women process things differently.  Very often, men need to “go inside” and “make a plan” or “get a grip”, for themselves before saying or doing anything.  Women, on the other hand—–need to talk it out—usually, immediately.  What feels like his shut-down, bull-headed,  denial to you—-feels like your nagging, cacaphony to him.  That can seem to pit the two of you against one another, at the very time when you need each other most. 

As awful as it is, this is a golden time to grow….in understanding of  each of YOUR feelings and in compassion for one another. If this sounds like a tall order in the midst of everything—–it can be—-without a new map to guide you through a process that is surprisingly simple.  It requires only 4 things.  Actually, 3 things, really.  Because Item #4 on the list below, can be done before and after every step.

So here is the map.  Four things that I have found—never, ever fail—when faced with a crisis:

1. Ask yourself:  “What is my deepest truth?” 

In your case, it might be—-”I am scared”.  Who wouldn’t be? 

To take it one step further, if it were me, I would worry about, not only what is going to happen to my husband, but also, what is going to happen to me?   As these things happen to him—whether he seeks treatment or not, what will I be left with? 

And, if you are thinking those things—–do you find yourself trying to edit your own thoughts because what you are thinking seems selfish—–thinking of ME at a time like this!  Remember with this first step that what you are seeking IS—–YOUR truth.  Not anyone else’s. Instead of feeling the shame that often smacks on top of feeling selfish, see if you can catch and correct yourself with some compassion here.  It is the most human thing in the world to be most concerned with our own survival, first—-especially in times when we are afraid—-or just plain, terrified. Be gentle with yourself.  The more authentic we can be in moments like this, the more clarity and the more calm we will have access to, throughout the entire process.   If we really want to BE THERE for someone we love, then making peace with ourselves about whatever we may be feeling, is the first, key step.

2. Get  support . 

This can be a big leap—asking for help—but it is absolutely critical.  Is there someone you can confide in?  If not a friend, then a minister, a counselor, or even a stranger.  Venting provides a relief valve from the pressure.  If you don’t feel comfortable with a person, then get a journal.  You need a way to create some safe method for revealing your feelings as the situation continues. 

3.  Then,   PUT YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES. Become his ally.  This is a chance to re-affirm your partnership potential.  Some people who have not been close in their marriage, for years, find this kind of bad news—–a way to let go of their built-up distances—-to let those things go in the face of something bigger and much more ominous. 

Expressing how you feel about the diagnosis—-not the dynamics between you—-may also open the way for him to express what he has not been able to say. I have learned, in my own marriage, that when my husband can talk about something, he is able to start taking action about it, as well. See if that fits for you, too.

Or, he may continue to chose to do nothing to stop the cancer.  If so, that will be a discussion we can continue for another time.  Keep me posted—-AND—-Try these things, first.

4.  Pray.  The best prayer I know of is the one asking for understanding.  Simple as that.  If you find yourself at a loss for words, the Serenity Prayer is perfect for times like these, in particular. 

Dear heart, I hope some of those prayers have been a comfort for you today.